I had that thought the other day, of which I’m sure you’re familiar.
You are forever in today.
You could say it a thousand ways but the message is the same: there is only now. My favorite way to say it is Robert Frost’s version:
In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.
When I first heard that quote years ago, I thought it confirmed my cynical worldview by highlighting the cruel and unrelenting nature of being conscious. Now I see it more neutrally. It’s simply a fact—an unforgiving one, sure, but a fact nonetheless. Life goes on, but it goes on indefinitely in the present—so what changes you want to bring to your life must come in the present.
It’s an obvious, yet overlooked reality of being. As I approach 30 years of age…I think I’m ready to grapple with that harsh reality. Do I wish I had grappled sooner? Of course. But lamenting as much would be living in the past—which is a modus operandi we’ve established as an impossibility.
Grappling 101
We all have goals—perhaps we don’t call them that—maybe they are, as they often are with me, a vague vision or hope of what life might be. A hazy dream of us on top of our preferred, proverbial mountain top. These dreams are what fuel your insecurities and jealousies. They’re the dreams that inspire panic in you when you remember how desperately you wish them to be reality. They inspire so much panic that they paralyze you and prevent you from achieving them.
How does this work in the everlasting now? I’ll tell you how it works for me through the dialogue that goes through my head:
“I want to be a writer, I should write something soon.”
“Yes that’s a great idea! Why not write something tonight?”
“Well I didn’t mean tonight. I’d rather relax today. I’ll write something tomorrow!”
You see the issue. The dialogue above is in direct conflict with the cold and unrelenting fact that we exist only in the now. So in some sense to delay is to ensure that the object of my desire never comes to fruition.
So why don’t I write every day? If everything—the mind, body, soul, and skillset—you’ve ever wanted can only be achieved by making progress in the now…why don’t I have the courage, willpower, or wherewithal to act on it in the now? Why is it so pleasurable to dream of the mountaintop, but so difficult to take one step up its slope?
A Non-Exhaustive List of Reasons Why You Haven’t Climbed the Mountain:
You haven’t built the habit. You must build the habit which will lead you to your goal. When the habit is built, you’ll no longer need willpower. Your mind will literally fire in such a way so as to compel you to do the behavior which at this time is so difficult. Here’s a metaphor: You are water and you traverse grooves in the earth—these grooves are your habits. Each time you act the groove of that particular habit gets deeper and more refined, which makes it easier for the water to flow—in other words, you naturally go down the path of least resistance. My Netflix groove is really deep—it’s very easy for me to turn on the television at night. But the only way to make my writing groove deeper is to write so many times that the writing groove can compete with the Netflix groove. If you need help getting started, try reading Mini Habits by Stephen Guise.
Doing something once means nothing. Doing something even a few times means nothing. Doing something quite a few times can also mean nothing. Value is created in mastery and mastery comes from doing something over and over and over again. This is a painful but vital realization. The flip side of this gradual coin is that one day you’ll wake up having made significant, celebration-worthy progress and it’ll be a welcomed (and maybe baffling) surprise.
You are under the impression that something should be easy. Guilty! I’m a late stage millennial on the cusp of Gen Z. Every single year of my life, some invention has made my life easier and more intuitive and more effortless. It has softened me to such a degree that working—exerting effort in any manner—is to some extent an offensive act. I fear this problem isn’t going anywhere and is going to exacerbate in the future for myself and others.
Unearned dopamine. This dovetails nicely with everything in this list…and it’s a major problem for me. I could write this article…but I could also play Helldivers 2 on my PS5. I could also play a Cities Skylines on my computer. I could also watch Invincible on Amazon Prime, or the Timberwolves/Lakers game, or Shogun on Hulu, or one of a hundred classic movies I hope to one day see. When you work all day, it’s easy to reach for the rich and endless supply of delights at our fingertips—but there is a consequence. The consequence is that you’re doing it in lieu of taking a step up the mountain. It is a sneaky bitch of a problem that I think many, many people have now and will have in the future. (Notice I didn’t say TikTok. I don’t have TikTok. Why? Because I couldn’t handle it. TikTok is a malignant, addicting, well-oiled entertainment machine…so keep in mind that phones can hold us back just as much as traditional entertainment, if not more).
A Non-Exhaustive List of Tips That Might Help:
Start creating a (small) habit. Do the tiniest, least resistance thing you can every day to build the groove (this is the premise of Mini Habits by Stephen Guise). I followed his advice and did 1 push up every day—over a year later my single push-up has transformed into a full blown gym-three-times-a-week habit (which I previously believed was impossible for me).
Doing something once is everything—yes this is the opposite of what I said in the previous list but both remain paradoxically true. To write one article or do a single guitar lesson is nothing. You won’t make a living or gain recognition or gain much lifelong satisfaction by looking back and saying, “one time I wrote one article.” But in the moment, to write that article or pick up that guitar is everything. In the now, it means you have done your job, which is to take a step up the mountain. Tomorrow it will mean nothing—but today it means everything. When tomorrow becomes today, all you have to do is take a step again.
A mountain is an impossible feat. But a step is something that everyone can take. What this tip really comes down to is removing (1) pressure and (2) unrealistic expectations. When we become paralyzed by the length of the journey from the Shire to Mordor, it is because we are expecting ourselves to be ready to step into Mount Doom on day one. To take this out of the Lord of the Rings context: When we first pick up the guitar we see how difficult it is to play any simple song and thus we see how far we are from Jimi Hendrix. You can solve this problem by comparing yourself to who you were yesterday. Yesterday you were watching Netflix instead of picking up the guitar.
I think social media has really damaged us in this realm. We are hyper aware of everyone’s successes—particularly those rare cases who seem to sprout into instance success. The prototypical example is Lebron James, whose been in the limelight and at (or close to) the top of his mountain since he was 15 years old. To expect that you are going to be a Lebron James in your desired field is to adopt an expectation so large that you will be crushed under its weight.
Remember to pause before you act. When you pause you allow yourself a moment to divert from your established habits. Your habits reach for the Oreos immediately after dinner. Your habits reach for the Playstation controller instead of the guitar. The pause allows you to question whether the action you were about to take aligns with the person you hope to be.
Conclusions and Caveats
I am, as always, writing as a reminder to myself. I am no expert—I am a master of none. I’m a guy shouting from his mountain to all my friends and readers on their respective mountains, hoping to pass something helpful along.
This can apply to abstract goals too. For example, if you wanted to be more grateful, that too will be built on a day to day basis.
The mountain top doesn’t have to be Jimi Hendrix. The mountain top can just be knowing how to play a few songs.
It’s okay to have fun. It’s okay to relax. You should (and I will) continue to watch Netflix or do whatever helps you take the edge off.
Well done
Loved this!!!